I hate sad songs and the best thing is that I keep it on loop. And then I start thinking of him, the tear drop that rolled down his cheeks. Him trying to speak out to me but his eye shut, far far away from me. Me staring at the xray results, trying to swallow down all the information. 

Maybe I was too strong at that time, maybe I tried to be the pillar but the after effects always comes back to haunt me. It's at this time where the house is dead silent and the boy snores beside me, that thoughts starts filling me. That when I can hear the heater rumbling on, and ponder if time could just stand still. I begin to feel myself moving back in time, him saying goodbye to me at the living room. The last goodbye. 

Doubts fill me now and then, that day brought the world down to me. I tried carrying it on my shoulders with a brave face but I think maybe if I have wailed, screamed, hit the walls maybe then maybe I would feel much better right now.  I think I am quite a strange creature, I myself do not know for certain if I've moved on. But tell me how does one move on when such happens with just a snap of a thumb.  At 19 years of age,  at the age of maturity and when you know the facts of life, I think its pretty unfair.